videophage.com

I could not even begin to record for you the number of bad ideas I have had that I almost went through with. The figure would be astonishing. What’s even more is how clever I thought they were and how, just like that, I changed my mind in the nick of time, but often it is simply inaction over time long-enough that leads to the defusal. I have one idea right now, but I don’t think it’s all bad. After all this time, I cannot shake it—actually a continuation of an aborted idea some months previous. Now, that plan was bad I’ll admit and I’m glad I came to my senses when I just watched as the last chance to follow through began to walk out the door. (Thank God for that guardian angel!) But since, I’ve reconsidered and repackaged and now I think the consequences would be much less dire for everyone, perhaps even welcomed? I still stand by it, in its more mature form. Enough time has passed, but h*pefully not too much. Doesn’t matter honestly, it’s kinda now or never.

I even have experience with such dumb ideas of this caliber, one time in the past, and I gotta say, I think I felt much better afterward. I mean, beforehand, I was nervous and sweating like crazy and shaking and stalling and I had to take a shit right before ’cause I was so anxious, but it felt good to get everything out in the open. If I hadn’t I would’ve regretted it, assuming it wouldn’t have eaten me from the inside-out first, and I do not regret anything. Ever. The reverse face of hope. That time turned out fine, better than fine, so…why not?

You know what? I think I will do something slightly stupid. I’ve convinced myself who was already convinced. What’s the harm, right? I’ll act while it’s still hot and fresh life and death. So, how best to do it? My stomach is falling out from within me. I need to alleviate this hollow, hurting feeling.